Andrew W. from Bethesda, MD (Source: Yelp)
“99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall….” yes, this being my 99th review, and in homage to that indelible standard of staying-awake-in-the-car-on-long-drives-or-just-plain-drunk songs, or to assuage the dry day hours of my own strikingly alcoholic nature, i should probably be writing a review about some wonderfully soused establishment with vast quantities (ie. AT LEAST 99 varieties) of beer for purchasing, imbibing, downing, consuming, and over-consuming…. instead, what do i review? a dentist. yes. that’s right. a dentist. why? boring, right? well, i would probably be remiss if i did not allow that this recent dental visit did not have some indirect correlation to any number of blacked out, tipped over, drunk-hungry, face-stuffing, liver-pumping evenings where in the sadhappy latenightearlymorning stupor of couchsleep, floorsleep, curbsleep, or ditchsleep, i have failed to brush my teeth correctly, if at all, before reaching a state of full unconsciousness…but that is not really the reason….which is: in all honesty, my cracked tooth had been hurting like a son-of-a-bitch for just about a month, and now, after a quick painless morning visit to Dr. Palian’s office, it feels great. i can once again chew on the left side of my mouth. without grimacing more than i normally do at this shit show of life and it’s occasionally redemptive sustenance. so. yes, a five star dentist. i know you’re probably thinking i am indeed actually drunk , cracked out, or possibly hallucinating to write this, but, no, apparently, they do exist. does that make the visits enjoyable? no, not necessarily. does it make them interesting? hardly. but it does mean an absence of pain and an easy, uinterrupted bite down? yes. and after so many misstabbed needles, gumbled and tonguepunched tooth cleanings, misshapen fillings, yamfingered drillwork, lackluster golden crowns, poorly dug canals to take the place of roots, 12 hour numbedface, and teeth yanked without a hint of wisdom over too many years, i’ll accept such treatment gladly. after a mere minute or two of filing papers, the mandatory but expediate x-rays, a sparklingly thorough teeth cleaning, and the quickest, and by far most comfortable, filling of my life (including a new fangled, possibly unnecessary, but thankfully numbing topical anesthetic just for the needle administering the anesthetic), i was at the desk and out the door, new “complimentary” toothbrush and toothpaste in hand, declaring a happy “fuck you” to my evil-insurance company who will have to chew at least the heftier chunk of that fat, fat, but industry-reasonable (which means, of course, nowhere close to normal standards of reasonable)bill….sigh. such is life in america, sweet land of takery. bonuses? on top of the free “goodies” (um, the tooth brush, paste, and bag), the early 7 am opening (which gives you the option of making it to work on time if you ever were actually so inclined), and mutiple reminder calls so you won’t forget about your appointment and waste your hard-earned, stolen, chump-collected, or otherwise gathered moneys, Dr. Palian performs a free cancer-check of your jaw area (apparently the source of some 5-7% of all episodes of this terrible, and under-funded, disease) with obviously capable hands. i’m sure any number of other creepy doctors out there likely pull this same number all the time with various nefarious purposes, so i imagine one must beware, but , so far as I, and my colleagues who gave me this office in recommendation, can testify, Dr. Palian is legit. so…. Dr. Palian, Thank you. This thin crack in my face that serves occasionally as a sad excuse of a smile looks one step less creepy when this unlikely and unforgivable event does occur, and my teeth bared in regular hostility will shine that much brighter and truelike around town, especially in the darkness. Even if your first name is Pierre, I forgive you. And so do the nerves behind my teeth. I will return again if I must. And i’m sure that will be soon. Cheers.